Listening to students so they feel heard.

A plumber recently did work in our home. Listening to him as we were all in our separate corners of the house attending or hosting Google meets worried me. He loudly expressed concern and doubt. Was he ranting? Was he angry? No, definitely not. His concerns sounded valid, and I felt certain our sink was not getting installed that day. An hour later, he was gone. The job was done. All was good.
Middle schoolers or any child can sound like a ranting plumber. They loudly express their frustration. It's hard not to take their rants personally when we work so hard as educators to engage, differentiate, and support. 
We shake our heads when kids say they have too much to do. 
I've said it this year in exasperation. "You have no idea how much less I'm asking you to do than any other class before you!" (I'm human too. I want to be heard but being heard came at the expense of listening.)
We all want to be heard. We don't all want someone to solve our problems, but we deserve the opportunity and safe space to express our feelings.
Later I validated their frustration and assured them that their reality is valid because it is the reality they see.
My assurance that they can do more doesn't mean they will work harder in class, but as we reflect on the year, I hope they see that I believed in them. 
As an exercise in improving my ability to help students feel heard, I came up with 6 ways to improve how I LISTEN. 

• Create many low-stakes opportunities for students to express themselves, share their perspectives, and be heard.
• We all know what it feels like for someone to say, "how are you?" and not listen to the answer at all. Pre-pandemic, this was just a "hi" in disguise. Now we are afraid to even ask. Being intentional is as simple as saying, "I want us to start today by focusing on something positive." 
• Being supportive as a listener doesn't mean offering ways to fix a problem. It can be as simple as saying, "I'm so glad you shared. Thank you." Holding on to judgment is empathy, and it opens the window so we can hear more.
• At a time when the truth is under attack, many Americans participate in conversations poised for battle. This is not a way to make students feel heard. In a developing human, the context of their family and previous school experiences shape their truth. How they perceive a task- especially while living through the trauma of a pandemic, social upheaval, a reckoning for systemic racism and political unrest- is their truth. To complicate things, my students are making identity choices through this turmoil. We can't fix these problems for them, but we simply MUST accept it as their truth. (If we hear problematic language, hateful ideas, or harmful thoughts, of course, we must address these, but if we want to get to the root of these problems, denying that child's truth will not help. We have to call in, not call out.)
• When trying to make a child feel heard, set aside the "teachable moment." When a three-year-old shares an artwork, you say, "tell me more about your art." However, as children age, our questions, even when open-ended, often have a follow-up that feels like judgment. Maybe this is why so many middle school parents report that their children NEVER talk to them about school or show them their work. I suggested to students that they start these conversations with their families. They thought the idea of sharing one thing about their day with a family member, unprompted, seemed impossible. "We don't talk," they said. Engage in a nonjudgmental way. This is empathy, and it is hard when "teachable moments" feel like your job.
• I find action steps to be empowering. I frequently end a class investigation with the question, "What do we NEED to do with what we know?" Thank your students for sharing. Take time to reflect on what they've shared. Consider how their reality shaped their answers. Follow through in a way that reflects a child's ideas back to them. I am so touched when someone selects a gift because they really know my personality and interests. When someone shares a book title, podcast, or social media post because they know I'll be interested. These things make me feel accepted and like I belong. I feel heard. That's the goal. ​